Name the Novated!

New cars have taken the suspense and risk out of driving.

My new novated ‘what does that mean?’ lease car has me covered for every eventuality.

Im not sure I like it.

It thinks and feels and tells me things. Or it seems to.

Cars shouldnt do that.

In the old days, a few years ago, people thought and cars surprised us.

In those old days things would occur and you’d get a surprise.

Not any more.

My new novated lease car tells me everything. Even if I dont want to know.

I like surprises.

My grade 3 teacher wrecked the surprise of the Tooth Fairy when she revealed the murky truth that Mum and Dad left the 20 cents.

At some point I was robbed of the Father Christmas surprise too.

I love surprises!

Now I have a surprise robbing novated lease car!

I cant hit an object by surprise.

I cant run out of fuel by surprise.

I cant forget my seatbelt and be picked up by the police by surprise.

I cant even put the shopping on the passenger seat without strapping it in!


Like Im a moron.

I can usually tell if Im going to hit a fence or a tree. I dont need to be beeped at!

I can read a fuel gauge and dont NEED to be told to PRESS OK so the novated lease feels good that it has told me I have 72kms left to drive on that tank.

I know if the handbrake is engaged – the car wont go forward.

There is no need to flash the dashboard at me like I was in a disco.

If I was epileptic it could cause a seizure.

Sometimes taking the surprise element away might be considered a health hazard.

I dont need to seatbelt my shopping in because the novated lease doesnt know it isnt a human bum.

The novated lease car is hell bent on telling me dumb things I already know.

It DOESNT however do clever things.

I doesnt close the sunroof when it starts to rain!

It doesnt mute the music when the phone rings!

It doesnt alert me to mobile speed cameras!

It doest lower it’s bum when the 16 Legs try to jump in.


It is full of useless advice.

Ive been trying to name it.

It will have to have a man’s name now.

Only men are as stupid as my novated lease car.

Suggestions welcome. It is a Ford. A Captiva. Novated. Leased. Screecher!

I cant do this either: Looks like fun though!